It’s that time of year when the Energy Managers of this world send their annual requests and thoughts to Santa with a view to “making their day” not just on 25th December but hopefully for a little longer. Here are some of the requests we cunningly intercepted…………along with Santa’s replies.
Dear Santa – I work for a major retailer and we’re hyper-sensitive about our reputation. I’d hate to think we were named and shamed by that nasty national newspaper publishing photos of our stores with all the lights on on Christmas Day. What should I do?
Santa says – make sure you’ve got blinds on all the windows and pull them down on Christmas Eve. Repeat on New Years Eve. My advice – don’t buy the newspaper again.
Dear Santa – Some b******* advised me there was a racing certainty that energy prices were going to double over the next five years so I piled into oil shares……..$63 a barrel, you’re having a laugh. Would Santa be interested in buying a portfolio with great future potential?
Santa says – I couldn’t possibly deprive you of this opportunity – in fact we share a position, I spoke to the same guy.
Dear Santa – I desperately wanted a trip to Lima but, taking a long term view, decided the carbon emissions didn’t justify it. Can you explain why so many civil servants, politicians and other hangers-on managed to get there and simply defer the decisions to another meeting in Paris next year in the name of progress?
Santa says – don’t tell anyone but politicians have a secret game to get around as many world locations as possible, at taxpayers’ expense, before being voted out. Other parts of their challenge are to stay in the best hotels and consume as much high quality food and drink without paying a penny – civil servants take a longer term view on checking these places out so they can plan their retirement holidays. No point in you going anyway, you’d have known what you were talking about.
Dear Santa – ESOS seems like an expensive waste of time. It’s almost like you identifying the presents you’d like to give everyone for Christmas and then not being able to deliver them, so it upsets everyone. I’d value your opinion on the pan-European situation.
Santa says – welcome to the EU Energy Efficiency Directive. I could take you on a whistle-stop tour of the EU to explain the different takes on ESOS in each member state, confuse you completely and burn shedloads of carbon……..or I could buy you a Christmas pint?
Dear Santa – I’m worried about the potential for supply/demand problems next year on the Grid which could affect your ability to deliver presents. Have you ever thought about a nuclear sleigh?
Santa says – Let me tell you a secret, all my sleighs for generations have been nuclear – I’ve been saying nuclear had low carbon emissions for as long as I can remember……the reindeers are just for show.
Dear Santa – do you have a regime for using all your reindeers’ c**p for renewable energy generation and does the resulting electricity production go towards subsidizing distribution of the millions of presents?
Santa says – I have a robust process in place which maximizes returns from said c**p – I’ve been known to supplement the little r’deers diet with guinness and mushy peas – which I understand produces maximum returns under the Feed-In Tariff. I plan to exchange the reindeer fleet for lithium batteries to power my heavily subsidised new electric sleigh in 2015.
Dear Santa – you’re a cynical old git but I like you – Happy Christmas!